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Freedom from gravity

“As earthbound beings, humans have always had a fascination with winged creatures of all kinds. The idea of being able to spontaneously lift off from the earth and fly is so compelling to us that we invented airplanes and helicopters and myriad other flying machines in order to provide ourselves with the many gifts of being airborne. Flying high in the sky, we look down on the earth that is our home and see things from an entirely different perspective. We can see more, and we can see farther than we can when we’re on the ground. As if all this weren’t enough, the out-of-this-world feeling of freedom that comes with groundlessness inspires us to want to take flight again and again. Continue Reading »

I started this blog as a way to capture my thoughts, because if I don’t get them down in the very moment they come up, I lose them. Its a diary of sorts, though a bit more public. Tonight I’m thinking about an interaction I had with a fellow fly-fisher, whom I really liked.

Back in September of 2008 I met Pete, a man who seemed to move through life with many dreams similar to my own. Shortly after our conversation began, Pete’s employer relocated him to South America for a three month assignment. We quietly returned to our separate lives and lost contact, but something about him remained with me, a glimmer of intrigue at meeting a beautiful soul with a similar outlook on the world, and a dream of checking out and skipping off to a warm tropical coast where the air is salty, and the days, quiet and free. Forever. Continue Reading »

Off-track

I reread a few of my early blog posts today, and realized how far off track my mind, heart and spirit have wandered. Damn!

My work just takes too much out of me. My spirit has gone back into hiding, and though I need her with me, I have no idea how to lure her back. Why is it so hard for me to have a job and live a meaningful, joyous, inspired life, both at the same time? Continue Reading »

Am I really moving again?

Do I really want to move again? What is my most honest answer to this serious question? I was all set to move in with Rae, but now I’m feeling like that might not be such a great idea. Although Rae is wonderful, I’m not sure that living with a roommate is going to be the best thing for me right now. I don’t want to worry about someone else, and what effect I might have on them in my day-to-day life. I don’t want to have to be quiet for someone else, and I don’t want anyone else to have to be quiet for me. I just want my freedom to do what I want, when I want, without the complication of thinking about a roommate. So, I live alone now. Why move? What do I gain by relocating from one garden cottage to another? I think the answer is money and space, but is that enough? Continue Reading »

Focus

Every night before dinner I give thanks. “To all the seeds of life. The sun, the moon and the stars. The sea, the wind, and the soil. Birds, bees and butterflies. Planters, farmers, and harvesters. Everything and everyone who made my meal possible.” Then I surrender to the universe whatever it is I want the most for myself at that moment. I bet you didn’t know I do all that in between cooking and eating.

Tonight, as I said my gratitude prayer something new came up for me in a moment of pondering my next big decision—have surgery in three weeks, or spend the next three months on an intensive healing journey intended to set Mabel, and me, free. Continue Reading »

After Wednesday at UCSF

I’m sitting by the fire this evening, thinking about how nice it is when we have the option to make decisions from a place of love and understanding, versus fear or ignorance. I met with my surgeon, today. My tumors are neither larger nor smaller than they were on December 17, 2009, the last time they were measured by ultrasound.

Dr. O knows I don’t want surgery and she respects that. I count on her to be honest with me. She said to me today in her office “things seem to always come in threes” and then told me about the recent surgeries she performed on two women who, like me, resisted surgery in favor of trying alternatives they believed in.

Continue Reading »

Before Wednesday at UCSF

I can’t imagine anything more stressful than this, and in a way I hope I remember this feeling forever, for comparison’s sake. Wednesday is a big day for me. I have an ultrasound that will tell what the cancer has done since December 17, 2009. It’ll be either better, worse or the same. Let’s pray for better. Continue Reading »

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